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Newsletter
Hello Beautiful Women (and men),
I hope that this month's newsletter finds you well. It is hard to believe that we are already in August!
Love, worthiness and boldness have been on my mind recently. Perhaps an unusual combination, but a combination that I believe can be all interlinked at times. Let me ask you - do you remember the 1992 movie Wayne's World? It was about two early twenties, heavy metal guys who ran a TV show out of the basement of one of their parents homes. They were what the world would consider underachievers, but lovely guys who loved their music.
At one point in the film, they have the thrill of meeting one of their rock gods - Alice Cooper. They are so blown away by the encounter, that they drop to their knees and bow down to him, chanting, "We're not worthy, we're not worthy." All very tongue in cheek and the movie is a comedy.
But do you ever feel like that with the real God, the King of Kings? "I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy." And not necessarily in a healthily humble way!
I know that throughout the majority of the time we battled fertility issues and miscarriage, that my underlying mantra and inner dialogue ran something like, "Does every lesson God needs to teach me have to be hard, and done the excruciating way? I know His Word says I am loved, but I am not really feeling it right now as another month passes without conceiving, or another baby is miscarried. I actually think He is a bit scary and fierce, and I am not sure my prayers are really reaching Him, or if they are, does He even care? And if He cares, why won't He do something to change the situation?? It can only leave me wondering."
I often felt confused, as my head knew the truth of His Word, but heart struggled along lamely behind, not too sure of how the reality could look so different to the Promise. At times I felt full of hope and faith, and at other times I despaired. I knew my sins had been forgiven by the amazing work done on the Cross of Calvary, but why was I not seemingly walking in victory. I was often afraid to voice my fears and concerns, as I knew what any decent, God-loving Christian would say to me, "Of course you are loved. Of course He cares for you." I knew that, but I didn't know-know it - or feel it all the time.
Romans 3:23 states clearly that we all sin and fall short of the glory of God. So the truth is, (to answer Wayne and Garth's Wayne's World question), we are not worthy. There is nothing we can do or not do to increase God's love for us. Sure, He may be more pleased with our behaviour on some days than on others (!) but His love for us is unwavering and never changing. 1 John 4:8 states that "God is love." And the famous Love chapter of the Bible, (1 Corinthians 13) says that love never fails, and that it keeps no records of wrong. So if God is love, He never fails us and He keeps no records of my wrongs - which is a very comforting thing to know.
In fact, I used to read 1 Corinthians 13 over and over, replacing the word Love with the word God. Just so that I could try and get it to sink in; all the wonderful things He is.
Why then, could I not get that truth to settle immovably in my heart?
The enemy loves to undermine God's Word, and at any chance he can get will sow seeds of doubt. Knowing the Truth, what the Word says about God's love is undoubtedly one of the most sure-fire ways to keep cementing it deep inside and to combat the lies. There are so many wonderful Scriptures that relay the goodness of God's thoughts towards us. And yet for me, one of the most important factors in breaking down the lies I kept hearing, was a personal revelation from God Himself. He was not going to let me keep on believing the lies. But you have to hang on to get there.
There were many times I could have given up and just repeating those love Scriptures (often through tears) kept me going - not always gracefully or full of faith, but kept me running (limping, hobbling) my race nevertheless. It allowed God to move and reveal to me in a deep way that only He could, the Truth of His never-ending, unchanging love. But it was often not pretty along the way.
There were tears and tantrums and whinging to be precise. But His shoulders are big and strong, and He was able to take it.
Jeremiah 31:3 says that He has "loved us with an everlasting love; (He has) drawn us with loving-kindness." I love that! Not only is His love everlasting, but I imagine Him drawing me in to Him. He is not tugging and yanking and demanding, but drawing me in. Gently, kindly, lovingly, tenderly. He knew and knows the fragile state of my human heart. He understood the pain I was going through, the despair and the turmoil of trying to figure things out. And I see Him just patiently, strongly continuing to draw me to Himself, no matter how much I bucked and protested at times.
The Amplified Bible says, in Hebrews 4:16 that we can "fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace (the throne of God's unmerited favor to us sinners), that we may receive mercy (for our failures) and find grace to help in good time for every need (appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it)." So let us boldly approach His throne on those days we doubt His love. Let us boldly ask for personal revelation in our hearts, (not just through our circumstances), of His love for us.
I received that revelation before we successfully conceived an ongoing pregnancy. Hearing Louie Giglio preach his Indescribable message, the Holy Spirit broke through that dead end barrier I had been hitting. Someone else may receive revelation in prayer one day, or through a word someone gives them. But something in my heart changed and I then knew-knew that God did indeed love me.
Now, you would think that that was that. Case solved, issue settled. But there were times I had to fight to keep that Truth. When doubt would knock on the door, and I knew it was time to draw out my battle gear - the sword of the Spirit, the Word of God (Ephesians 6:17). I needed to remind myself often that "the same Lord is the Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on Him," (Romans 10:12); and that God does not show favoritism (Romans 2:11).
Again, I can't reiterate strongly enough that for me, I needed that revelation aside from Him just answering my prayer. It is tempting to think that when He answers our prayers as we would like, that it is then that we feel His love. Well, for me, that had already happened often. Not necessarily in the area of fertility, but in life in general, with other prayers. I had struggled with something, prayed about it, wondered if He heard me or if I was loved enough. He would answer my prayer, and I knew I was loved, until the next time something was difficult. Then the cycle repeated. The revelation I had that day when Louie Giglio preached went deeper than that.
I still need to remind myself of His love for me, when things are difficult, and there is the tendency to lapse into old, negative and wrong thinking. But again, He never fails me and His Holy Spirit and Word are there to help me.
There is no doubting that the fertility journey is huge. Louie Giglio addressed a certain group of people at the end of his Indescribable message. He said he was speaking to those who felt that the 'bottom had dropped out of their world'.(I felt myself in that group!) Not just if they were having a bad day, or a bounced check, but those facing the BIG stuff of life. And what He wanted to tell that group (paraphrased here) was that the God who created the enormity of the Universe, and the intricacies of human life ..... loved them. That same HUGE God .... loved them. Just as He loves you and me.
Please can we lift us these prayer requests to that same loving God this month:-
- A couple who have had numerous fertility treatments that have not worked are seeking God on where to go next. They need prayer regarding what decisions to make. And for continued physical healing. Let us also believe with them.
- A couple who miraculously conceived a son (now four) when they had been told it was impossible. In the time since, they have miscarried once, and are trying for another child. Let us pray for another miracle.
- A couple who have suffered an ectopic pregnancy and the loss of twins in utero, and a failed IVF. They are believing in faith for children. Let us stand in agreement and faith with them.
- And for a woman who is wondering if God has heard her prayers. Let us pray for encouragement for her and revelation that she too is SO loved by a gracious, never-failing God, who does indeed not only hear her prayers, but knows her pain.
God Bless. Have a special month.
Catherine x
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